The Break-up from Long-Term Relationships and Post-Divorce: When you feel Lost
Separating from a significant other is a complex process that requires time for healing. When looking for information on divorce, most resources focus on statistics regarding the impact of separation on children and families or outline the steps needed to prepare for the challenging road ahead. According to the National Center for Health Statistics (2023), the number of marriages in the United States has slightly declined, while divorce rates have remained steady, fluctuating between 41% and 56%. However, the divorce rates differ between first, second, and third marriages. Specifically, approximately 41% to 56% of first marriages end in divorce, 67% of second marriages do, and 73% of third marriages conclude with separation (Bieber et al., 2024). In recent years, more people in the United States have been living together and forming long-term relationships compared to 15 years ago (Julian, 2025).
The ending of a relationship can be compared to grieving the loss of a loved one. Many ideas regarding the five stages of grief are based on the work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler (2005). When someone enters a relationship, they embark on a journey of companionship and friendship. However, when differences start to undermine that unity, the stages of grief may begin even before one partner leaves or files for divorce. Initially, when problems arise, there might be a denial of the genuine issues in the relationship. You may pretend everything is fine to friends and family, even shower your partner with gifts, hoping things will improve. As conflicts escalate, anger often follows. Fights may become more frequent as you attempt to convince each other that positive changes are possible, yet both partners may build resentment. Eventually, the bargaining stage may occur, where you or your partner make promises to change to keep the family together, driven by fears of abandonment, failure, or loneliness. You might then experience the stage of depression or revisit the earlier stages before finally reaching a mutual agreement that both of you must move on in pursuit of happiness.
The question remains: Why do people often feel lost after breaking up or divorcing a partner? The average duration of a marriage is between 5 and 10 years, which means that individuals usually undergo significant personal changes during that time and are primarily identified as part of a couple (Bieber et al., 2024). Illustrating this point, let’s consider a few celebrities and how they are perceived regarding their past partnerships. Take Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, for example. Despite having different partners since their divorce, there are still persistent rumors and public interest surrounding their relationship. The world continues to see them as a potential couple, even though they are friendly, co-parent their children, and have embarked on their separate journeys. Another notable example is Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani. Both experienced highly public divorces from their former spouses and had to rebrand themselves as a couple in the eyes of the media to be associated with one another. This illustrates how difficult it can be to break free from the identity of a relationship, even after moving on.
Carl Jung discussed how teenagers often break away from their parents' belief systems to establish their own identities, a stage we recognize as normal rebellion (Jeffrey, 2024). However, in long-term relationships, individuals tend to lose a sense of individualism and instead become part of a couple or family unit. In such cases, you are often introduced as someone’s partner, wife, husband, or spouse to friends, family, coworkers, and members of various social groups. This can lead to a point where you no longer fully recognize yourself. Consider a well-known example of an actress who had to rebrand herself to differentiate from her previous identity as a Disney star. Zendaya is now recognized for her roles in movies and shows like The Greatest Showman, Spider-Man, and Euphoria, but few associate her with her earlier work in Shake It Up on Disney Channel. She needed to rebrand herself and establish her individuality outside of Disney to be seen in a more mature light. This concept can also apply to personal experiences, such as ending a long-term relationship. Just as Zendaya had to redefine herself, individuals often need to rediscover their identity and establish their individuality after significant life changes.
Severing ties with someone after living with them for a significant amount of time is challenging for many reasons. It involves the loss of a future with that person and the loss of a part of yourself. Any relationship has inherent risks, whether with a coworker, friend, or lover. However, the pain of being hurt by someone you love is often the hardest to heal from and is a significant aspect of the grieving process. Additionally, part of the healing journey involves rediscovering who you are as an individual, separate from your significant other. This means exploring your passions, dislikes, goals, and dreams without them, which can be daunting. It may feel selfish if you haven't done this self-exploration before, but it is a vital step toward recovery.
References
https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/#sources_section
https://scottjeffrey.com/individuation-process/
https://doi.org/10.25035/ncfmr/fp-25-04
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/marriage-divorce.htm